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Local ghost haunted by ‘weirdo’ tenant

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HAMILTON – A Hamilton ghost, who resides in an old house by the lake, has been tormented by a strange new tenant for months. The ghost, Reginald R. Miller, says this is the worst thing that has happened to him since he died in 1892. “Seriously, this guy is a total freak,” said Miller from the attic in his house. “I just want to go about my normal ghost business like everyone else- you know, haunting, taunting, general tomfoolery - but I can’t focus on any of that with this weirdo distracting me all the time.” The “weirdo” in question is 32 year-old Jason Potts, who moved into the house in Feb. 2020. Miller said Potts was relatively normal at first, but things quickly deteriorated. “At first I thought, hey, this guy seems normal enough, but then after a month or so, he started acting very strange,” said Miller while floating in the middle of the room. “First he started acting really anxious all the time, and kept frantically looking at a glowing rectangle in his hand. Then he stopped le
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'I just don’t understand these covidiots,' says woman planning on hosting Christmas dinner for extended family

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HAMILTON – A local woman is upset about all the “covidiots” she sees and hears about online not taking the proper precautions to curb the spread of COVID-19. “Honestly these people need to give their head a shake,” said Maureen Orlevski, a local woman and “fun” mom. “Everyone just needs to wear a mask, physically distance, and not get together for the holidays… except for our family of course, because we are careful.” Orlevski, who lives in a 1,500 square foot condo in Hamilton, says she plans on hosting 20 family members and friends for Christmas dinner on Dec. 25.   “Its just those gosh darn millennials in Toronto making everything worse. Luckily, we are in Hamilton, which is much safer,” said Orlevski. Hamilton is currently in the red zone of Ontario’s pandemic framework and has the most active cases of COVID-19 it has seen since the beginning of the pandemic. “And listen, its not like we won’t be taking any precautions,” Orlevski continued. “For starters I won’t be kissin
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With Trump on the way out, Doug Ford looking for new political buffoon to make him look better

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TORONTO – United States President Donald Trump may have lost the presidential election, but it is Ontario Premier Doug Ford who is feeling the pressure. Ford is now on the lookout for another politician who is crass, ignorant, and an all-around terrible person to compare himself with in order to look better. Ford, whose main selling point to Ontario voters was “I’m not Donald Trump”, is hoping to have a replacement confirmed before Jan. 20, 2021. “When I heard the news about Trump, I was obviously pretty upset,” said Ford from his daily press conference at Queen’s Park. “I mean, without him, who am I going to point to and say, ‘At least I’m not that guy!’ whenever my critics start complaining? Seriously, I am asking you. Who should I point to? Is the Tiger King guy running for office again?” Political analysts agree that Ford is in desperate need of another “buffoon buffer” to keep his popularity up amongst Ontarians. Although Ford may be popular now, it is only a matter of time
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Thornton forced into concussion protocol after claiming he signed in Toronto to 'win a cup'

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TORONTO - Joe Thornton has been rushed into concussion protocol after claiming the reason he signed with the Maple Leafs was so that he could win a Stanley Cup. "Please, I am totally fine, stop making me do these dang concussion tests," said Thornton as he was dragged into his doctor’s office on Monday afternoon. "I seriously think this team has a great chance to win the Cup.” The Maple Leafs have been praised by the NHL for working quickly to ensure the safety of their new player. “Its just the textbook example o f why we have concussion protocols,” said Gary Bettman, commissioner of the NHL. “The Leafs did everything by the book.” “I mean, if he said he wanted to be closer to family, or that he missed Canada, or that he wanted to be friends with Doug Ford, I would have believed him,” said Sheldon Keefe, head coach of the Maple Leafs. “But he said he thought we could win a cup… and that’s when I knew for sure we had to call in the docs.” So far all of Thornto
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Lucky Canuck Comedy launches online news blog

HAMILTON - October 13, 2020 - Lucky Canuck Comedy has started a satirical online blog to cover Canadian news stories, politics, entertainment, and lifestyle. The blog, called Lucky Canuck News, will publish new articles weekly, or, you know, whenever they feel like it. "This isn't necessarily something I want to do, but something I have to do," says Tom Duff, the blog's editor-in-chief and head writer. "And I don't mean that in an inspirational 'do my civic duty' type of way. I mean I literally have to do this for an assignment." The assignment Duff is referring to is for the Social Media and Digital Communications course at Mohawk College, which is offered as part of their Public Relations graduate certificate program.  Duff hopes Lucky Canuck News will provide moments of light-hearted levity for readers who have  experienced the dumpster fire of a year known as 2020. Duff said he will pull inspiration from some of his favourite satirical news
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